Dear Denise,
It is weird to think that it was only a few days ago I was sitting in front of my closet in Greeley deciding what to where. As I pondered and pondered and tried on outfit after outfit I thought to myself, “Does she ever go through this in the morning? Does she spend unneeded time deciding what to where for that day?” I began to ponder some more on what maybe you would wear for Saturdays event, would it be bright and fun, would it be black and somber, or would it be some elaborate pattern with a funky hat?
After spending several hours and countless outfit options in front of my closet I finally settle on my lined dress pants, a turquoise long sleeve shirt, and a brown corduroy blazer. The outfit made me look sophisticated, like I belonged in front of a classroom, man you would have been proud. Not that what you wear has ever really mattered to you, you are the type to see education, educating, family, and work as the more important aspects of your day.
Well did you want to hear more about Saturday? I feel like writing you two whole paragraphs on what to wear would make you want to smack me upside the head and tell me to focus, oh I forgot to tell you, (going back to what I was wearing) even though I had chosen the perfect outfit it was my mother calling my dance solo outfit “inappropriate” that I decided to change, and the 2+ hours I worked on picking out that first outfit had completely been negated. I had finally settled (an hour before the ceremony) on that same turquoise top but I added an olive green multi layered gypsy like skirt so I could dance and be presentable without changing.
The drive to the high school was not that long but it was unbelievably nerve racking and awkward. Did you know it’s been two years since I was last there? It’s been three years since I’ve performed in that auditorium. Well being the nervous wreck I was I got there early because I wanted to run through my dance at least once so I could be reassured that the fabulous techies would not let me down. Well after the first run through everyone remarked that I should try the whole dance over without the skirt, well I did and… they liked it better, I’d never thought for one second that my clothing would be such a big deal, I mean Saturday was all about you, you wouldn’t even care what everyone wore, in fact I know you and the fact that this many people came together for you would make you uncomfortable, grateful but very uncomfortable.
Did you know Aubrey wore red? The cutest little red dress I have ever seen, it made her ginger hair shine so beautifully, I don’t know if you ever noticed but she has your eyes, those eyes that sparkle with a wisdom of an old soul and shine with the curiosity of a child. Oh and Dalton looked like such a nice boy in his blue dress shirt and pants, he looks so much like you and Wes. Speaking of Wes, for one I finally met your husband who you talk so much about, and you would just be beaming with pride to see him in a dorky argyle sweater, even though you will never admit it. Has he ever worn anything like that, I mean beside when the two of you got married?
Oh and the stage Denise, they had your directors chair up there, that silly little directors chair, green of coarse, like that horrible ugly velvet green suit you had. You know which one I am talking about, the one you wore when you taught us The Great Gatsby? When you sat in that director’s chair rolling your eyes in disgust when ever daisy would talk? Yeah that green velvet suit. Oh did I mention they had one of your book cases up on the stage too. When I walked over there after my run through the very first thing that of coarse stuck out to me was the book I got you my sophomore year of college, you remember the first year I finally escaped the fake prison that was summit county and went to UNC, (you never told me your parents went here, or that you were born in Greeley, I hope you understand that makes this school even more special to me.) You know which book I am talking about of course, the 1956 printing of some of Emerson’s essays, I remember when I bought that book for you were starting a new round of chemo and I thought that Emerson was the one thing that got me through the tough times of high school and you were the one who taught me that, so why couldn’t I return the favor and help you transcend just a little more and beat this thing. Well that book was on that book shelve on the stage for everyone to see. They even had that round pillow that Andy and I would argue over every time we watched a movie in your class.
The real reason I am writing you is to tell you some things that have happened recently that I know you want to hear, to begin, Saturday was perfect it was everything that all of us who love you very much needed to get through this, there was just one thing missing… you. I know you don’t want me to talk about this cause you want me to be positive and to never morn you, but it is so hard to not morn you. Denise you were supposed to come to my college graduation, you were going to be the first person who ever read my novel before it ever went to any publisher. I know I am being selfish right now, but this also makes me think about Aubrey and Dalton, a girl needs her mother at her wedding and a boy never says he needs his mother but they do. I know this isn’t your fault but I am still so mad at you for leaving us too early. What about all those kids who never had you as a teacher? Or all those former students who still need you, I need you Mrs. Oaks; I don’t know how I am going to spend the rest of my English career and the rest of my life without your guidance. Who will email me to tell me that the paper I wrote on Tom Robbins was ahead of it’s time but I still need to watch out for those run on sentences. And who will tell me I can do it before I go to an audition? Stupid fucking cancer, it is simply not fair that you had to leave us, you had to leave me.
I hope you know how much you mean to me, I know I didn’t talk to you or come see you in those last few months, but I couldn’t do it, I didn’t want to accept that you were going to leave me. It is something I beat myself up everyday for, especially when I heard jerry speak about your last meeting. I am sorry I didn’t come see you, it’s not that I didn’t want to it’s that I was scared, I am still scared how am I ever going to be able to pull myself out of my own self doubt without your engorgement?
Pathetic isn’t it? The one thing you taught me above all, is the one thing I am forgetting, you kept telling me that it wasn’t you that made me better but it was my own self-reliance, I mean I can just see you now, where ever you are yelling “have I taught you nothing?” No you taught me everything and it was your encouragement that made me so much better. For heavens sake I can’t write a paper, read a novel or even go to a dance audition or performance with out thinking “what would she say about this, would she be proud?” yes, of course you were, you Are always proud of me and no matter where you are, heaven, the cosmos, Hogwarts, you will always be there for me.
There is one more thing I wanted to tell you before I finish this letter, don’t worry this wont be the last time I talk to you, I hope you hear me asking my many silly questions through the wind or feel my tears when I am missing you through the stars, or share my joy in what I hope to be many accomplishments through the beat of my jumping, prancing feet in the earth. But as I was saying, the morning you left was so surreal, I woke up at about 5:30 on a Friday morning (I don’t even have class on Friday) and I couldn’t bring myself to go back to sleep, it wasn’t for another four hours did I find out, I saw on facebook the many statuses that remarked on the awe you had bestowed in all of us, and I knew you were gone, I called the high school and it was confirmed, of coarse I cried, we are talking about me here, but I didn’t cry that hard or that much. It was like someone, you of course, was reassuring me that I hadn’t lost you. I took it upon myself to inform all those who were in our A.P. class that I still kept in touch with. It was Andy who made my day a little easier, we discussed future plans for what they would eventually call your celebration of life ceremony, and how we didn’t care if we had to skip class if it happened to fall on a weekday, it was for you and you were the world to us. It was then I started to giggle through my tears, “Andy you do realize what she would say to that don’t you” Andy just snorted though his own tears, I said to him “ she would say, guys look really I am so honored that you care about me this much, but I have never nor will I ever be an excuse to miss a class, did you people learn anything form me, or did I completely fail as an educator?”
No you didn’t fail us as an educator, in fact there will never be an educator in my lifetime that will even begin to compare to the impact you had on the on my life or on the life of others. I love you more than you could ever know and I couldn’t be more grateful to you for helping me find my waiting mountain and for helping me on my way.
Your ever loyal student, and friend,
Merida J. Teot
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