Here it is the first of what I hope to be many Music Mondays. I seem to have this pattern, where I find a song, or several, that I like a lot, so I play it over and over and over again. Then I start to like how it sounds with other songs, so I make a playlist. There was a point in my life that I was making weekly playlists. As of lately I have cut down on that but I still feel there are songs that just capture me and leave wanting more.
There are a few criteria for the kidnapping of my musical lust. First as a dancer, the song should have dance ability to it. Now I don’t mean the whole booty popping, shake what your mama gave you dance ability (even though I do have a few of those that I have played to exhaustion) but is it something that I could see myself making into a piece of choreography? Second, do the lyrics shake me to the core, if the song has lyrics and the said lyrics cause me to say something along the lines of “story of my life” then it has a 95% chance of ending up as something I will play on repeat. Again this doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy songs that aren’t lyrical genius (Poker Face, one of my favorites) but usually sense I sometimes can’t express whatever it is that I am going through, I use music. Finally, I have to like it. Simple enough, if it is something that just makes me want to sing (badly) at the top of my lungs, dance around my apartment to the point where I usually end up dizzy, or so good I want to post it as a Facebook status than most likely, I will find a way to put it on repeat.
As of lately there are just a few songs that I am completely obsessed with.
First of Pryo by Kings of Leon. First off I have to say that The Kings of Leon are some sexy, sexy men. Most of their music brings us back to the dirty southern Lynyrd Skynyrd type rock, that makes us want to not shower, smoke Marlboros and drink lots and lots of dirty whisky. This song, while it has some of the dirty rock feel. It is soft and it is the kind of thing that you hope a lover will play for you one day when you go to leave their apartment and they don’t want you to go.
Since this was a long post I will only bore you with two songs, the second appeals to the lyrical aspect of my music criterion, Ray LaMontagne’s and the Pariah Dogs’ Like Rock& Roll and the Radio. The lyrics in this song tell the story of two people who were once very much in love, and after circumstances beyond their control, they are not only no longer in love anymore, but they don’t even talk. They act like the other doesn’t exists, a feeling and an experience that is all too familiar. This song literally brought me to tears the first time I heard it, and it was so moving and brought up so many things I didn’t want to deal with that it took me about 2 weeks until I could listen again. But it has made me realize, is that not the point of music, to shake you to your very core?
Listen, like them, don’t like them, it is up to you. That is the other thing about music, in the end, no matter how famous it may be your taste in it is personal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdYtJ2H2-IU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctzpSnU6OUc
Monday, November 8, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
I'm Baaaaaacccck!
So here it is, after nearly a year (and I am cutting it close) of not blogging I have decided to pick it up again. Let’s begin with two subjects, why I stopped, and why I decided to try it again.
Let’s just agree, I am pretty awesome, especially when it comes to writing, and maybe also just a little bit sarcastic. So why would I take an opportunity to share my writing ability with the masses and shove it up the ummm… butt... of society? Simple, while my other posts verge on the thin line between personal and public diary, I feel that if I am allowing the public into every teeny tiny aspect of my life, then what am I leaving for myself in the end. This made me realize that a blog doesn’t need to be a public diary, just like your Facebook status doesn’t need to be a confessional. Just stop and think which blogs get more hits, the ones that reveal the mundane daily whiny events of the everyday complainer, or the ones that tell a story, of advice, love, ideas and hope. I’ll take option B for 1000 Alex.
If it truly is the latter than it is just that reason that I am bringing my blog back up. In about 2 or so months I will be leaving on a 48 week 48 state road trip. This trip will hopefully be reaching thousands of people, if this is the result than I would rather have people learn about the positives that life has to offer rather than the negatives in my personal life that I myself would rather not deal with.
So here is the new schedule of events for the blog, I will try to blog daily, with breaks on the weekends. To start with Monday will be Music Mondays, an idea I will have to credit to Kelsey Bigelow, Tuesdays will be Tutu Tuesdays. Dance pieces I like and upcoming ideas I have for future ones of my own. Wednesdays will be writing my life away Wednesdays where I make a written observation of the world. Thursdays, Philanthropic Thursdays, even though it doesn’t start with a T I needed a day that I could post about a different charity every week so that way people reading my blog will have an opportunity to help those in need. And finally Fun tastic Fridays, where I will post a feel good article, funny youtube video or a story that will make your week substantially better, that way you’ll figure out that there is always something fun a positive in the week to look forward to.
That’s the plan and I hope that more people will tune in to my thoughts and hopefully those who do will tell their friends.
See you tomorrow, for the first of many Music Mondays.
"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
~Walt Whitman
Let’s just agree, I am pretty awesome, especially when it comes to writing, and maybe also just a little bit sarcastic. So why would I take an opportunity to share my writing ability with the masses and shove it up the ummm… butt... of society? Simple, while my other posts verge on the thin line between personal and public diary, I feel that if I am allowing the public into every teeny tiny aspect of my life, then what am I leaving for myself in the end. This made me realize that a blog doesn’t need to be a public diary, just like your Facebook status doesn’t need to be a confessional. Just stop and think which blogs get more hits, the ones that reveal the mundane daily whiny events of the everyday complainer, or the ones that tell a story, of advice, love, ideas and hope. I’ll take option B for 1000 Alex.
If it truly is the latter than it is just that reason that I am bringing my blog back up. In about 2 or so months I will be leaving on a 48 week 48 state road trip. This trip will hopefully be reaching thousands of people, if this is the result than I would rather have people learn about the positives that life has to offer rather than the negatives in my personal life that I myself would rather not deal with.
So here is the new schedule of events for the blog, I will try to blog daily, with breaks on the weekends. To start with Monday will be Music Mondays, an idea I will have to credit to Kelsey Bigelow, Tuesdays will be Tutu Tuesdays. Dance pieces I like and upcoming ideas I have for future ones of my own. Wednesdays will be writing my life away Wednesdays where I make a written observation of the world. Thursdays, Philanthropic Thursdays, even though it doesn’t start with a T I needed a day that I could post about a different charity every week so that way people reading my blog will have an opportunity to help those in need. And finally Fun tastic Fridays, where I will post a feel good article, funny youtube video or a story that will make your week substantially better, that way you’ll figure out that there is always something fun a positive in the week to look forward to.
That’s the plan and I hope that more people will tune in to my thoughts and hopefully those who do will tell their friends.
See you tomorrow, for the first of many Music Mondays.
"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
~Walt Whitman
Sunday, November 22, 2009
A, B, C,: Abused but Colorful
Are you true blue? Are you the type of friend who can be depended on? Is your personality honest but accepting, or are you unsure of the way the cards fall? Or is it possible that you are so unable to love someone else that you are nothing but a tick, sucking the life giving blood from your friends but never giving them anything back, but false hope and heart break?
This “quiz” will tell you what song best fits your friend personality, as it is related to you, me, and our experiences together.
1. When you first met me you thought….
A. I can’t figure how to say her name…
B. What the hell drugs is this crazy woman on?
C. Too bad she is only 15, cause I want her, right here, right now
1. You love to call me…
A. Merida Berida Pough Pi Dinosaur Steve Jeeves Fucking Teot
B. Merida, Tye-Dye
C. Crazy psycho, Fat.
2. When you were little you always wanted…
A. A Salad Shooter or a tree house with a pirate lookout post.
B. K’nex Big Ball machine
C. A G.I. Joe sniper rifle with attached scope
3. Your dream vehicle…
A. Something with good gas mileage and or a driver named Jeeves
B. A red civic hatch back that you drove my ass everywhere in until I got my license
C. 1968 Chevy Camaro, black, with black interior
4. If I was supposed to have a date but he had to cancel cause he was on a cruise you would…
A. Take me to see “Enchanted” knowing fully well that even though you have already seen it, that the princess being the dragon slayer would make me forget every boy trouble I had, and the next morning I would end up feeling like there is no better ab work out then the laughter you provide, blue slushies included
B. Give me a call to make sure I was ok, but have to leave far too quickly cause you, like me, have a very busy schedule
C. You’re upset? What I can’t hear you? I’m on a cruise
5. The best nickname for you would be…
A. Smallish/Big Boobed bear eh
B. Hey Lady
C. Douche bag, Piece of crap, Seeping puss bag… take your pick.
If you answered all A’s
“Umbrella” the sweet acoustic Mandy Moore Version
Congratulations! You are one of a kind, ok really like two of a kind. Meaning that there are only two people who ever entered my life who have the ability to accept me, and everything that I am. You are a rare breed; you’re loyal, like a golden retriever, sweet and protective. I owe you everything, my life, my smiles, my laughter, my promise that I will always be there for you the way you have been there for me. If it hadn’t been for the “Umbrellas” in my life I would never been able to move on, learn, grow, and become strong.
The thing that I admire most about the two of you, your honesty; I have never had anyone in my life who can be so honest with me without ever fearing to hurt me. It is not just that your honest, it is the way you are honest, you have never beat around the bush with me. When Juston and I were talking after the third time he dumped me, you were very clear that I was being completely stupid, that I needed to remember how much he hurt me, what he really did to me, and that I may have felt happy at that moment but I it would be short lived. You tell me when my Lady Ga Ga obsession has gone to far, or maybe that I am clearly too loud, or that the only reason I have never really gone above and beyond is because I never thought I could. So again I say thank you for being honest with me, if it weren’t for this I would probably still think it was ok for a boy to dump me three times and still want me back.
One of the other things that makes you “Umbrellas” so great is your ability to make me smile, not just smile, but laugh, laugh until my stomach feels like I did 500 crunches after dry heaving for 2 ½ hours. It is also the things that we choose to laugh about, I mean, how many people in the world can sit there and giggle for an hour over horrible names that we would like to name our children. While we think that dinosaur Steve, and Arctofalis are great names for a young child, most people would disagree. Not us, no, you “Umbrellas” make my life as interesting as a rhubarb pie that has a magic ability that makes you upchuck money.
You have made it so easy to conquer almost every fear I have ever had. Remember a time in my life where I said I would never watch a scary movie? Well thanks to you and the Zombie Children of that weird movie I have conquered (somewhat) my fears of scary movies; even though I feel the need to run into my house at night now and I cant fall asleep unless the T.V. is on, I look forward to every night that we watch Ghost Hunters, or the free scary movies on Comcast. You also helped me conquer my fear of self-loathing, you remember when you first met me and the most consistent thing I said was “are you mad at me?” Well it is the most reassuring thing in the world to know that that has changed and I have become a more confident and happy person, thanks to you.
Smallish Bear, thank you for being my relationship guru, it is unfortunate that the reason you are an expert at what I am experiencing is because you went through the same thing. But watching the way you have grown since Eric, and how much happier you are gives me so much hope for my own future. Finally thank you for being one of my wifeys and spending an hour in my car with me at 3 in the morning to help me take the first real step in moving on.
Big Boobed Bear, Thank you for being my domestic wifey, though there are times when you are slightly abusive, p.s. I have a bump on my head from the Lego candy you threw at me, you always make me the best well balanced meals out there. I am glad that you realized that when you go grocery shopping that you are going for you and me. You may think that the only reason I love you so much is because you feed me, this is only partly true. I love and adore you for much more, you are the only person in the world who can make me laugh every time you tell me the story of the dinosaurs and the tar pit, and yes I am aware of those poor dinosaurs that fell in that tar pit. Thank you so much for being the best and cheapest therapist I have ever had, literally my real therapist charges me one hundred dollars to sit and cry on her couch, you feed me.
I only hope that the two of you look at me the same way I look at you, that I am always there for you, no matter what, and I mean no matter what. Just remember that you have giving me so much and I am indebt to you two and your friendship, I would rather have AIDS infested rats who are covered in cockroaches slowly scratch out my eyes than ever loose you as friends.
If you answered all B’s
“Hot and Cold” By Katy Perry
I don’t mean that you “Hot and Cold” people are not important in my life, you are, most of you are friends that I have had for the longest, it is just that ever since we met, are friendship isn’t necessarily consistent. Don’t get me wrong, I love you a lot, but do to circumstances like, distance, my personality, and busy lives, we find it hard sometimes to always be there for each other. And that goes two ways; I can’t always be there for you just like you cannot always be there for me. Again don’t be offended I need my “Hot and Cold” people almost as much as I need my “Umbrella” people. In fact I hope that this will help all of us reconnect on a new level, and all of you “Hot and Cold” people I know will never be “Ticks and Leeches” as I never want you to be. The main difference between my “Hot and Cold” and my “Umbrella” people is the fact that you truly didn’t except me until later in our friendship, when you realized I am stinking rad. Remember middle school, when we met and you would stop talking to me for weeks at a time because I was “annoying” I know it was middle school but that was the beginning or our life long friendship, and even now when we have all gone off to college and started to live real lives, we still aren’t as close as I wish and I know we could be. But the good news is we do check in and still do help each other out, and I am glad that we still find a few times every year to hang out or talk, because you are still very important to me, and if given the opportunity I would never trade in the memories we have from girl scout camp, or speech and debate, or how a couple of you became practically part of my family, and how one of you still is a very big part of my family.
Speaking of which, Mandy, yes you are a “Hot and Cold” But you are the only person who is both that and one of my biggest “Umbrellas” you are my little sister and my soul mate, I want to give you your own category but the truth is when we met all those years ago we didn’t really like each other, both of us thought the other was a little on the strange side. But in my freshman year of college when everybody left me behind, I had you, and it was then that I realized that your soul mate is not specifically someone that you intend to marry or something along those lines, but someone you know you have in the rest of your life and that you two complete each other, Mandy your are very important and very special to me, if only we had realized that sooner… opps.
To all you “Hot and Cold” People, I do care about you and that is why I still want you in my life and I hope we always stay in touch and find a way around our busy lives. And I cannot wait till the next time we talk.
If you answered all C’s
“Ticks and Leeches” By Tool
To all you “Ticks and Leeches” you can suck it and suck it hard! Though there are several “Ticks and Leeches” in my life, I am taking this opportunity to focus on one in particular. Most people who write about people who have wronged and hurt them feel a strange need to protect them; I feel in order for me to protect you I would still need to care for you, I know I said I always would, but… I just can’t anymore, maybe one day very far from now but not now. Juston Marshall Bell,…yep, no more need to protect you because you stopped protecting me.
Juston, I hate you, I hope you wrap that Camaro around a tree! Wait No! How could I ever say something so hideous? I love that car, that would be a waste of something beautiful. Now you on the other hand I could give a crap less if you fell of a ladder and broke your legs and you could never walk again so you could never drive that sexy, sexy car again and you could never work out again, Muah ha ha ha ha! God that is a little evil… oh well, I hate what you have done to me you took my kind heart and smashed it into a million little fucking pieces. I really truly don’t hope that you smash your legs I’m not that mean, but it kind of sucks to look back on a two year relationship and feel like the person you loved more than anything loved his dumb bells and his car more than he ever loved you.
I have a lot of people hurt me before but no one has ever and I pray to god that no one ever will hurt me the way you have. Juston, I was and still kind of am a giant mess. I feel broken beyond repair; it is like the song says you sucked all the live giving blood out of me. Do you even realize how much I truly loved you; you were going to marry me. I was going to have children with you, it’s like someone has died, and what sucks is that someone didn’t. Not that I want you dead, but you are still alive and we can’t talk without hurting eachother. I feel like a former crack addict in a crack house, it’s there it’s right in front of me, but I quit, I know it is bad for me and it would be the stupidest thing in the world to go back to it. Yet I have never wanted something so badly, even my cigarette addiction was never this bad.
I am so beyond angry with you, you left me broken and beyond repair, this means I will probably never be able to truly love someone the way I loved you. Even though you never deserved a single ounce of the love I gave you. But it’s too late for that, I gave it to you and I want it back, but I can never get it back. Was I that horrible that you couldn’t find way to love me like I loved you? Oh and by the way, do you have any idea how much it sucks to hear that the one thing I thought was truly awesome in our two years together was nothing but a cover up for you not being in love with me, and for you avoiding our problems? I mean really, you can’t even give me that the sex was good, screw good, it was fucking amazing, you don’t deserve to know that, just so you know, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. What I do hope happens is that you will never find someone like me. Yeah that’s right do you think anyone would ever drop her pants in your dad’s garage? Because if you do, I think you are sorely mistaken buddy!
It drives me insane that I still feel that I care so much from you, the other day I got a call from an Oregon area code and I thought you were hurt or dead, my heart felt like it literally dropped into my stomach, why the hell should I care if you are hurt or dead? You don’t deserve it, and I hate to say this but I am glad it wasn’t you, and that you are ok. I shouldn’t care about you anymore, but I do, I don’t want to, it hurts too much. I give myself the stupidest since of false hope, I never want to be with you again but for some god damn reason a very small part of me thinks it would be a great idea. I mean, really? Dump me once, shame on you, dump me twice, shame on me, dump me a goddamn third time, go fuck yourself!
I feel like I never learned or gained a single thing from our two year relationship, except the hood that doesn’t match my car, a crappy grey sweatshirt (that I had to steal and you are not getting back by the way) and a complete and udder distaste for men, thanks I appreciate the awesome gifts. What really sucks is that you gave me so many material items, I would have traded every single thing you bought me for you to love me the way I used to love you. You rotting stool sample, are you even capable of love? Is it possible for you to love another human being the way you love your car? I deserved it and you know it, I was loyal to you, I was way to forgiving of you and how much you hurt and continue to hurt me. I felt like I gave you everything and all I got in return was that stupid car hood, which, if I remember correctly I paid for, and instead of spending time with me on my birthday, you avoided me the whole day and worked on my car. Ok… that was a little selfish for me to say, so I guess thank you for doing that, it is kind of nice to have a car, even if the hood doesn’t match.
What all you C’s need to know is that I need to let go of you, which means I can’t hate you anymore, I can’t care about you anymore, I can’t put any effort into you, it hurts to much, there was a point when you were my friend, or you claimed to be, but now I want nothing to do with you and you want nothing to do with you. It bites, and it makes me want to fix shit, but I know if I do that I will go back to that pathetic version of myself. You remember her, the paranoid one, the girl who wasn’t sure as to why you didn’t like her or didn’t want to be her friend. I have grown way past that, I need to remember that, move on and continue to grow, cause right now I am loving who I am, and if the “Ticks and Leeches” in my life cant see how much I have grown and how epically awesome I have become then I don’t want you in my life. I know you still look at me the way you did when you first came into my life but I am a different person now, I am a ’62 Chevy Nova, I don’t look like much but with a few engine repairs and a new coat of paint, I can kick your ass. I am still working on those engine repairs, still waiting on that coat of paint, and I will never be able to make any real restorations until I cut you out of my life completely.
And Juston I am taking this opportunity to tell you that, I am letting go, of everything, the hate, the resentment, the love, and I am taking the first step in forgiving you. Though the above paragraphs said I would never do that I just needed to get that stuff out before I told you that, you were a very large part of my life for two years, and I did get something out of it, I grew a lot, and I leaned that I am loveable. Even if you loved me for only six months of our two-year relationship, you loved me very much, and I recognize that. While it sucked most of time, the good times were pretty fucking rad. So thank you for helping me to grow, the amazing sex, and the ability to make me realize that I still have some growing to do. I hope you look back on our two years together and remember that I loved you very much and that I am in a very small way grateful for what you did gave me… thanks. You will always be my first love and everyone knows you very rarely end up with your first love, and for the first time, I am beginning to be ok with that.
This “quiz” will tell you what song best fits your friend personality, as it is related to you, me, and our experiences together.
1. When you first met me you thought….
A. I can’t figure how to say her name…
B. What the hell drugs is this crazy woman on?
C. Too bad she is only 15, cause I want her, right here, right now
1. You love to call me…
A. Merida Berida Pough Pi Dinosaur Steve Jeeves Fucking Teot
B. Merida, Tye-Dye
C. Crazy psycho, Fat.
2. When you were little you always wanted…
A. A Salad Shooter or a tree house with a pirate lookout post.
B. K’nex Big Ball machine
C. A G.I. Joe sniper rifle with attached scope
3. Your dream vehicle…
A. Something with good gas mileage and or a driver named Jeeves
B. A red civic hatch back that you drove my ass everywhere in until I got my license
C. 1968 Chevy Camaro, black, with black interior
4. If I was supposed to have a date but he had to cancel cause he was on a cruise you would…
A. Take me to see “Enchanted” knowing fully well that even though you have already seen it, that the princess being the dragon slayer would make me forget every boy trouble I had, and the next morning I would end up feeling like there is no better ab work out then the laughter you provide, blue slushies included
B. Give me a call to make sure I was ok, but have to leave far too quickly cause you, like me, have a very busy schedule
C. You’re upset? What I can’t hear you? I’m on a cruise
5. The best nickname for you would be…
A. Smallish/Big Boobed bear eh
B. Hey Lady
C. Douche bag, Piece of crap, Seeping puss bag… take your pick.
If you answered all A’s
“Umbrella” the sweet acoustic Mandy Moore Version
Congratulations! You are one of a kind, ok really like two of a kind. Meaning that there are only two people who ever entered my life who have the ability to accept me, and everything that I am. You are a rare breed; you’re loyal, like a golden retriever, sweet and protective. I owe you everything, my life, my smiles, my laughter, my promise that I will always be there for you the way you have been there for me. If it hadn’t been for the “Umbrellas” in my life I would never been able to move on, learn, grow, and become strong.
The thing that I admire most about the two of you, your honesty; I have never had anyone in my life who can be so honest with me without ever fearing to hurt me. It is not just that your honest, it is the way you are honest, you have never beat around the bush with me. When Juston and I were talking after the third time he dumped me, you were very clear that I was being completely stupid, that I needed to remember how much he hurt me, what he really did to me, and that I may have felt happy at that moment but I it would be short lived. You tell me when my Lady Ga Ga obsession has gone to far, or maybe that I am clearly too loud, or that the only reason I have never really gone above and beyond is because I never thought I could. So again I say thank you for being honest with me, if it weren’t for this I would probably still think it was ok for a boy to dump me three times and still want me back.
One of the other things that makes you “Umbrellas” so great is your ability to make me smile, not just smile, but laugh, laugh until my stomach feels like I did 500 crunches after dry heaving for 2 ½ hours. It is also the things that we choose to laugh about, I mean, how many people in the world can sit there and giggle for an hour over horrible names that we would like to name our children. While we think that dinosaur Steve, and Arctofalis are great names for a young child, most people would disagree. Not us, no, you “Umbrellas” make my life as interesting as a rhubarb pie that has a magic ability that makes you upchuck money.
You have made it so easy to conquer almost every fear I have ever had. Remember a time in my life where I said I would never watch a scary movie? Well thanks to you and the Zombie Children of that weird movie I have conquered (somewhat) my fears of scary movies; even though I feel the need to run into my house at night now and I cant fall asleep unless the T.V. is on, I look forward to every night that we watch Ghost Hunters, or the free scary movies on Comcast. You also helped me conquer my fear of self-loathing, you remember when you first met me and the most consistent thing I said was “are you mad at me?” Well it is the most reassuring thing in the world to know that that has changed and I have become a more confident and happy person, thanks to you.
Smallish Bear, thank you for being my relationship guru, it is unfortunate that the reason you are an expert at what I am experiencing is because you went through the same thing. But watching the way you have grown since Eric, and how much happier you are gives me so much hope for my own future. Finally thank you for being one of my wifeys and spending an hour in my car with me at 3 in the morning to help me take the first real step in moving on.
Big Boobed Bear, Thank you for being my domestic wifey, though there are times when you are slightly abusive, p.s. I have a bump on my head from the Lego candy you threw at me, you always make me the best well balanced meals out there. I am glad that you realized that when you go grocery shopping that you are going for you and me. You may think that the only reason I love you so much is because you feed me, this is only partly true. I love and adore you for much more, you are the only person in the world who can make me laugh every time you tell me the story of the dinosaurs and the tar pit, and yes I am aware of those poor dinosaurs that fell in that tar pit. Thank you so much for being the best and cheapest therapist I have ever had, literally my real therapist charges me one hundred dollars to sit and cry on her couch, you feed me.
I only hope that the two of you look at me the same way I look at you, that I am always there for you, no matter what, and I mean no matter what. Just remember that you have giving me so much and I am indebt to you two and your friendship, I would rather have AIDS infested rats who are covered in cockroaches slowly scratch out my eyes than ever loose you as friends.
If you answered all B’s
“Hot and Cold” By Katy Perry
I don’t mean that you “Hot and Cold” people are not important in my life, you are, most of you are friends that I have had for the longest, it is just that ever since we met, are friendship isn’t necessarily consistent. Don’t get me wrong, I love you a lot, but do to circumstances like, distance, my personality, and busy lives, we find it hard sometimes to always be there for each other. And that goes two ways; I can’t always be there for you just like you cannot always be there for me. Again don’t be offended I need my “Hot and Cold” people almost as much as I need my “Umbrella” people. In fact I hope that this will help all of us reconnect on a new level, and all of you “Hot and Cold” people I know will never be “Ticks and Leeches” as I never want you to be. The main difference between my “Hot and Cold” and my “Umbrella” people is the fact that you truly didn’t except me until later in our friendship, when you realized I am stinking rad. Remember middle school, when we met and you would stop talking to me for weeks at a time because I was “annoying” I know it was middle school but that was the beginning or our life long friendship, and even now when we have all gone off to college and started to live real lives, we still aren’t as close as I wish and I know we could be. But the good news is we do check in and still do help each other out, and I am glad that we still find a few times every year to hang out or talk, because you are still very important to me, and if given the opportunity I would never trade in the memories we have from girl scout camp, or speech and debate, or how a couple of you became practically part of my family, and how one of you still is a very big part of my family.
Speaking of which, Mandy, yes you are a “Hot and Cold” But you are the only person who is both that and one of my biggest “Umbrellas” you are my little sister and my soul mate, I want to give you your own category but the truth is when we met all those years ago we didn’t really like each other, both of us thought the other was a little on the strange side. But in my freshman year of college when everybody left me behind, I had you, and it was then that I realized that your soul mate is not specifically someone that you intend to marry or something along those lines, but someone you know you have in the rest of your life and that you two complete each other, Mandy your are very important and very special to me, if only we had realized that sooner… opps.
To all you “Hot and Cold” People, I do care about you and that is why I still want you in my life and I hope we always stay in touch and find a way around our busy lives. And I cannot wait till the next time we talk.
If you answered all C’s
“Ticks and Leeches” By Tool
To all you “Ticks and Leeches” you can suck it and suck it hard! Though there are several “Ticks and Leeches” in my life, I am taking this opportunity to focus on one in particular. Most people who write about people who have wronged and hurt them feel a strange need to protect them; I feel in order for me to protect you I would still need to care for you, I know I said I always would, but… I just can’t anymore, maybe one day very far from now but not now. Juston Marshall Bell,…yep, no more need to protect you because you stopped protecting me.
Juston, I hate you, I hope you wrap that Camaro around a tree! Wait No! How could I ever say something so hideous? I love that car, that would be a waste of something beautiful. Now you on the other hand I could give a crap less if you fell of a ladder and broke your legs and you could never walk again so you could never drive that sexy, sexy car again and you could never work out again, Muah ha ha ha ha! God that is a little evil… oh well, I hate what you have done to me you took my kind heart and smashed it into a million little fucking pieces. I really truly don’t hope that you smash your legs I’m not that mean, but it kind of sucks to look back on a two year relationship and feel like the person you loved more than anything loved his dumb bells and his car more than he ever loved you.
I have a lot of people hurt me before but no one has ever and I pray to god that no one ever will hurt me the way you have. Juston, I was and still kind of am a giant mess. I feel broken beyond repair; it is like the song says you sucked all the live giving blood out of me. Do you even realize how much I truly loved you; you were going to marry me. I was going to have children with you, it’s like someone has died, and what sucks is that someone didn’t. Not that I want you dead, but you are still alive and we can’t talk without hurting eachother. I feel like a former crack addict in a crack house, it’s there it’s right in front of me, but I quit, I know it is bad for me and it would be the stupidest thing in the world to go back to it. Yet I have never wanted something so badly, even my cigarette addiction was never this bad.
I am so beyond angry with you, you left me broken and beyond repair, this means I will probably never be able to truly love someone the way I loved you. Even though you never deserved a single ounce of the love I gave you. But it’s too late for that, I gave it to you and I want it back, but I can never get it back. Was I that horrible that you couldn’t find way to love me like I loved you? Oh and by the way, do you have any idea how much it sucks to hear that the one thing I thought was truly awesome in our two years together was nothing but a cover up for you not being in love with me, and for you avoiding our problems? I mean really, you can’t even give me that the sex was good, screw good, it was fucking amazing, you don’t deserve to know that, just so you know, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. What I do hope happens is that you will never find someone like me. Yeah that’s right do you think anyone would ever drop her pants in your dad’s garage? Because if you do, I think you are sorely mistaken buddy!
It drives me insane that I still feel that I care so much from you, the other day I got a call from an Oregon area code and I thought you were hurt or dead, my heart felt like it literally dropped into my stomach, why the hell should I care if you are hurt or dead? You don’t deserve it, and I hate to say this but I am glad it wasn’t you, and that you are ok. I shouldn’t care about you anymore, but I do, I don’t want to, it hurts too much. I give myself the stupidest since of false hope, I never want to be with you again but for some god damn reason a very small part of me thinks it would be a great idea. I mean, really? Dump me once, shame on you, dump me twice, shame on me, dump me a goddamn third time, go fuck yourself!
I feel like I never learned or gained a single thing from our two year relationship, except the hood that doesn’t match my car, a crappy grey sweatshirt (that I had to steal and you are not getting back by the way) and a complete and udder distaste for men, thanks I appreciate the awesome gifts. What really sucks is that you gave me so many material items, I would have traded every single thing you bought me for you to love me the way I used to love you. You rotting stool sample, are you even capable of love? Is it possible for you to love another human being the way you love your car? I deserved it and you know it, I was loyal to you, I was way to forgiving of you and how much you hurt and continue to hurt me. I felt like I gave you everything and all I got in return was that stupid car hood, which, if I remember correctly I paid for, and instead of spending time with me on my birthday, you avoided me the whole day and worked on my car. Ok… that was a little selfish for me to say, so I guess thank you for doing that, it is kind of nice to have a car, even if the hood doesn’t match.
What all you C’s need to know is that I need to let go of you, which means I can’t hate you anymore, I can’t care about you anymore, I can’t put any effort into you, it hurts to much, there was a point when you were my friend, or you claimed to be, but now I want nothing to do with you and you want nothing to do with you. It bites, and it makes me want to fix shit, but I know if I do that I will go back to that pathetic version of myself. You remember her, the paranoid one, the girl who wasn’t sure as to why you didn’t like her or didn’t want to be her friend. I have grown way past that, I need to remember that, move on and continue to grow, cause right now I am loving who I am, and if the “Ticks and Leeches” in my life cant see how much I have grown and how epically awesome I have become then I don’t want you in my life. I know you still look at me the way you did when you first came into my life but I am a different person now, I am a ’62 Chevy Nova, I don’t look like much but with a few engine repairs and a new coat of paint, I can kick your ass. I am still working on those engine repairs, still waiting on that coat of paint, and I will never be able to make any real restorations until I cut you out of my life completely.
And Juston I am taking this opportunity to tell you that, I am letting go, of everything, the hate, the resentment, the love, and I am taking the first step in forgiving you. Though the above paragraphs said I would never do that I just needed to get that stuff out before I told you that, you were a very large part of my life for two years, and I did get something out of it, I grew a lot, and I leaned that I am loveable. Even if you loved me for only six months of our two-year relationship, you loved me very much, and I recognize that. While it sucked most of time, the good times were pretty fucking rad. So thank you for helping me to grow, the amazing sex, and the ability to make me realize that I still have some growing to do. I hope you look back on our two years together and remember that I loved you very much and that I am in a very small way grateful for what you did gave me… thanks. You will always be my first love and everyone knows you very rarely end up with your first love, and for the first time, I am beginning to be ok with that.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sense of place
this is a paper about my best friend mandy's house in summit county where i am from, there are some errors and this was never the final copy but i can't find it so...
A Sense of Place
The Sun breaks below the horizon and settles in for the night, the sky turns a violent orange and all who witness it from the from the front windows of Mandy turner’s Dillon home are taken aback with a sense of beautiful wonderment, this isn’t just a pretty sunset to me and my friends but this was our second home, our Mecca, our safe house, our sanctuary. A sense of place to me was the sense of home, fun and adventure that I have come to observe while having epic cuddle sessions, board game nights, and seeing that jer (our weird Jewish friend) was truly the tallest of us all, at my bet friends Mandy’s Dillon home.
Anywhere in summit feels like home to me, but they way I felt every time I stepped in Mandy’s house, I felt as if I could breath. The feeling of home, friendship, pure insane madness that was about to ensue, was the greatest feeling in the world. My friends house was always busy with activity and mischief, not the kind of mischief that evolves the police but the kind that involves pure fun! My friends were never really the type to go out and party, well at least when we were hanging out with each other, our idea of a party involved Disney movies, baking, board games, and much, much more legal fun. There was always unplanned excitement, in fact our plans never usually worked out, but there was never a disappointed face in that home. We could always go to Mandy’s her family was warm and welcoming and her parents were a second set of parents to us all.
Mandy’s house was about 25 to 30 years old, with a huge deck that wrapped around 90% of the outside, an A frame roof the didn’t go all the way to the ground. The front of the house had windows that took up the entire front and made the view and the viewer full of awe and wonder. You could see both views of lake Dillon and buffalo mountain from theses windows, and also when ever we had a function we could always tell when someone was coming up Mandy’s long dirt drive way.
The kitchen and the living room were the center of all activity among my friends and I; the kitchen was old fashioned and look like something straight out of the sears catalog, from 1973. The counter that divided the kitchen and the living room was an old lament and everyone gathered around its tan surface as we all began arriving. The cabinets were some from of very dark wood, with dishes in them that had almost, if not the same amount, as character as the house its self. There was always plenty of juice and other food stocked up for us in the fridge, and Mandy’s parents never truly minded shopping for all of us, and if they did they were always kind enough to makewe sure we didn’t know. But the absolute center piece of this kitchen was the microwave and stove combo, the stove wasn’t particularly anything out of the ordinary minus the fact that the microwave was attached. But it was the microwave itself that always became the topic of converstation. It was as old as the house, the button to open the door was a push down leaver, not an actual button, and forget about number buttons to chose how long you cooked your meal, you had to turn a dial to choose how long things were in there for. The inside of the microwave resembled a 1950’s bomb shelter, that is to say one could have probably let a bomb go off in this microwave and the surrounding area and people would come out of it without even a scratch.
The living room was where we spent the other half of our time in the home. The kitchen had opened up in to the living room, so it made it easy for all of us, anywhere from just three of us to maybe 20 at a time, to all be in the same place without being in the same place. We spent many a nights there, watching movies, playing board games and letting the world pass us by, but we never really cared that we were “missing out” on what was considered a “normal high school Friday night of drinking and regrets. There was never regret in that living room, we were always grateful for every once of food and experience we gained. The couch the wrapped around in the center of the living room would make any person, wither new to the group or been living there their entire life, comfortable and at ease; most of the time we all fell asleep on that couch or at least on the floor in front of it.
I have heard it said before that it isn’t where you choose to gather but rather who you choose to gather with, if that was the case we would gather at someone else’s house. While I did enjoy the company and it was there presence that complimented the atmosphere in Mandy’s home, it was the structure and the way things were built that made us feel at ease and at home.
A few years ago Mandy’s parents decided that they need to change. It started with adding a garage. It started with adding a garage. This in the long run wasn’t a bad thing, our friend’s band Yes We’re Open rehearsed there once it was finished and there were many other adventures, including a half naked, fever induced, ice cube and peacock feather photo shoot. But it was when they decided to pave the dive way that we felt the winds of change blowing through. It then went to the fire place, which in the long run was also a good change but it hadn’t stopped there.
Mandy’s parents began in the kitchen, they painted over the height chart, put in granite counter tops, took out the old cabinets, but luckily kept the dishes, and to top it all off, replaced the best part of the whole sha-bang, the microwave. They then moved on to the living room, they reupholstered the couch, and put brand new carpet in that had that icky new carpet smell. This isn’t to say that the remodel wasn’t beautiful and well done, it just, didn’t feel like it use to, and my friends and I are not the type of people who like change, in fact we hate change. And while we still gather there when ever we all head home for the weekend or a holiday we find that the atmosphere of our friendship is still there, it is simply not the way it used to be with out that microwave.
A Sense of Place
The Sun breaks below the horizon and settles in for the night, the sky turns a violent orange and all who witness it from the from the front windows of Mandy turner’s Dillon home are taken aback with a sense of beautiful wonderment, this isn’t just a pretty sunset to me and my friends but this was our second home, our Mecca, our safe house, our sanctuary. A sense of place to me was the sense of home, fun and adventure that I have come to observe while having epic cuddle sessions, board game nights, and seeing that jer (our weird Jewish friend) was truly the tallest of us all, at my bet friends Mandy’s Dillon home.
Anywhere in summit feels like home to me, but they way I felt every time I stepped in Mandy’s house, I felt as if I could breath. The feeling of home, friendship, pure insane madness that was about to ensue, was the greatest feeling in the world. My friends house was always busy with activity and mischief, not the kind of mischief that evolves the police but the kind that involves pure fun! My friends were never really the type to go out and party, well at least when we were hanging out with each other, our idea of a party involved Disney movies, baking, board games, and much, much more legal fun. There was always unplanned excitement, in fact our plans never usually worked out, but there was never a disappointed face in that home. We could always go to Mandy’s her family was warm and welcoming and her parents were a second set of parents to us all.
Mandy’s house was about 25 to 30 years old, with a huge deck that wrapped around 90% of the outside, an A frame roof the didn’t go all the way to the ground. The front of the house had windows that took up the entire front and made the view and the viewer full of awe and wonder. You could see both views of lake Dillon and buffalo mountain from theses windows, and also when ever we had a function we could always tell when someone was coming up Mandy’s long dirt drive way.
The kitchen and the living room were the center of all activity among my friends and I; the kitchen was old fashioned and look like something straight out of the sears catalog, from 1973. The counter that divided the kitchen and the living room was an old lament and everyone gathered around its tan surface as we all began arriving. The cabinets were some from of very dark wood, with dishes in them that had almost, if not the same amount, as character as the house its self. There was always plenty of juice and other food stocked up for us in the fridge, and Mandy’s parents never truly minded shopping for all of us, and if they did they were always kind enough to makewe sure we didn’t know. But the absolute center piece of this kitchen was the microwave and stove combo, the stove wasn’t particularly anything out of the ordinary minus the fact that the microwave was attached. But it was the microwave itself that always became the topic of converstation. It was as old as the house, the button to open the door was a push down leaver, not an actual button, and forget about number buttons to chose how long you cooked your meal, you had to turn a dial to choose how long things were in there for. The inside of the microwave resembled a 1950’s bomb shelter, that is to say one could have probably let a bomb go off in this microwave and the surrounding area and people would come out of it without even a scratch.
The living room was where we spent the other half of our time in the home. The kitchen had opened up in to the living room, so it made it easy for all of us, anywhere from just three of us to maybe 20 at a time, to all be in the same place without being in the same place. We spent many a nights there, watching movies, playing board games and letting the world pass us by, but we never really cared that we were “missing out” on what was considered a “normal high school Friday night of drinking and regrets. There was never regret in that living room, we were always grateful for every once of food and experience we gained. The couch the wrapped around in the center of the living room would make any person, wither new to the group or been living there their entire life, comfortable and at ease; most of the time we all fell asleep on that couch or at least on the floor in front of it.
I have heard it said before that it isn’t where you choose to gather but rather who you choose to gather with, if that was the case we would gather at someone else’s house. While I did enjoy the company and it was there presence that complimented the atmosphere in Mandy’s home, it was the structure and the way things were built that made us feel at ease and at home.
A few years ago Mandy’s parents decided that they need to change. It started with adding a garage. It started with adding a garage. This in the long run wasn’t a bad thing, our friend’s band Yes We’re Open rehearsed there once it was finished and there were many other adventures, including a half naked, fever induced, ice cube and peacock feather photo shoot. But it was when they decided to pave the dive way that we felt the winds of change blowing through. It then went to the fire place, which in the long run was also a good change but it hadn’t stopped there.
Mandy’s parents began in the kitchen, they painted over the height chart, put in granite counter tops, took out the old cabinets, but luckily kept the dishes, and to top it all off, replaced the best part of the whole sha-bang, the microwave. They then moved on to the living room, they reupholstered the couch, and put brand new carpet in that had that icky new carpet smell. This isn’t to say that the remodel wasn’t beautiful and well done, it just, didn’t feel like it use to, and my friends and I are not the type of people who like change, in fact we hate change. And while we still gather there when ever we all head home for the weekend or a holiday we find that the atmosphere of our friendship is still there, it is simply not the way it used to be with out that microwave.
To my highschool English teacher, mentor, and friend
Dear Denise,
It is weird to think that it was only a few days ago I was sitting in front of my closet in Greeley deciding what to where. As I pondered and pondered and tried on outfit after outfit I thought to myself, “Does she ever go through this in the morning? Does she spend unneeded time deciding what to where for that day?” I began to ponder some more on what maybe you would wear for Saturdays event, would it be bright and fun, would it be black and somber, or would it be some elaborate pattern with a funky hat?
After spending several hours and countless outfit options in front of my closet I finally settle on my lined dress pants, a turquoise long sleeve shirt, and a brown corduroy blazer. The outfit made me look sophisticated, like I belonged in front of a classroom, man you would have been proud. Not that what you wear has ever really mattered to you, you are the type to see education, educating, family, and work as the more important aspects of your day.
Well did you want to hear more about Saturday? I feel like writing you two whole paragraphs on what to wear would make you want to smack me upside the head and tell me to focus, oh I forgot to tell you, (going back to what I was wearing) even though I had chosen the perfect outfit it was my mother calling my dance solo outfit “inappropriate” that I decided to change, and the 2+ hours I worked on picking out that first outfit had completely been negated. I had finally settled (an hour before the ceremony) on that same turquoise top but I added an olive green multi layered gypsy like skirt so I could dance and be presentable without changing.
The drive to the high school was not that long but it was unbelievably nerve racking and awkward. Did you know it’s been two years since I was last there? It’s been three years since I’ve performed in that auditorium. Well being the nervous wreck I was I got there early because I wanted to run through my dance at least once so I could be reassured that the fabulous techies would not let me down. Well after the first run through everyone remarked that I should try the whole dance over without the skirt, well I did and… they liked it better, I’d never thought for one second that my clothing would be such a big deal, I mean Saturday was all about you, you wouldn’t even care what everyone wore, in fact I know you and the fact that this many people came together for you would make you uncomfortable, grateful but very uncomfortable.
Did you know Aubrey wore red? The cutest little red dress I have ever seen, it made her ginger hair shine so beautifully, I don’t know if you ever noticed but she has your eyes, those eyes that sparkle with a wisdom of an old soul and shine with the curiosity of a child. Oh and Dalton looked like such a nice boy in his blue dress shirt and pants, he looks so much like you and Wes. Speaking of Wes, for one I finally met your husband who you talk so much about, and you would just be beaming with pride to see him in a dorky argyle sweater, even though you will never admit it. Has he ever worn anything like that, I mean beside when the two of you got married?
Oh and the stage Denise, they had your directors chair up there, that silly little directors chair, green of coarse, like that horrible ugly velvet green suit you had. You know which one I am talking about, the one you wore when you taught us The Great Gatsby? When you sat in that director’s chair rolling your eyes in disgust when ever daisy would talk? Yeah that green velvet suit. Oh did I mention they had one of your book cases up on the stage too. When I walked over there after my run through the very first thing that of coarse stuck out to me was the book I got you my sophomore year of college, you remember the first year I finally escaped the fake prison that was summit county and went to UNC, (you never told me your parents went here, or that you were born in Greeley, I hope you understand that makes this school even more special to me.) You know which book I am talking about of course, the 1956 printing of some of Emerson’s essays, I remember when I bought that book for you were starting a new round of chemo and I thought that Emerson was the one thing that got me through the tough times of high school and you were the one who taught me that, so why couldn’t I return the favor and help you transcend just a little more and beat this thing. Well that book was on that book shelve on the stage for everyone to see. They even had that round pillow that Andy and I would argue over every time we watched a movie in your class.
The real reason I am writing you is to tell you some things that have happened recently that I know you want to hear, to begin, Saturday was perfect it was everything that all of us who love you very much needed to get through this, there was just one thing missing… you. I know you don’t want me to talk about this cause you want me to be positive and to never morn you, but it is so hard to not morn you. Denise you were supposed to come to my college graduation, you were going to be the first person who ever read my novel before it ever went to any publisher. I know I am being selfish right now, but this also makes me think about Aubrey and Dalton, a girl needs her mother at her wedding and a boy never says he needs his mother but they do. I know this isn’t your fault but I am still so mad at you for leaving us too early. What about all those kids who never had you as a teacher? Or all those former students who still need you, I need you Mrs. Oaks; I don’t know how I am going to spend the rest of my English career and the rest of my life without your guidance. Who will email me to tell me that the paper I wrote on Tom Robbins was ahead of it’s time but I still need to watch out for those run on sentences. And who will tell me I can do it before I go to an audition? Stupid fucking cancer, it is simply not fair that you had to leave us, you had to leave me.
I hope you know how much you mean to me, I know I didn’t talk to you or come see you in those last few months, but I couldn’t do it, I didn’t want to accept that you were going to leave me. It is something I beat myself up everyday for, especially when I heard jerry speak about your last meeting. I am sorry I didn’t come see you, it’s not that I didn’t want to it’s that I was scared, I am still scared how am I ever going to be able to pull myself out of my own self doubt without your engorgement?
Pathetic isn’t it? The one thing you taught me above all, is the one thing I am forgetting, you kept telling me that it wasn’t you that made me better but it was my own self-reliance, I mean I can just see you now, where ever you are yelling “have I taught you nothing?” No you taught me everything and it was your encouragement that made me so much better. For heavens sake I can’t write a paper, read a novel or even go to a dance audition or performance with out thinking “what would she say about this, would she be proud?” yes, of course you were, you Are always proud of me and no matter where you are, heaven, the cosmos, Hogwarts, you will always be there for me.
There is one more thing I wanted to tell you before I finish this letter, don’t worry this wont be the last time I talk to you, I hope you hear me asking my many silly questions through the wind or feel my tears when I am missing you through the stars, or share my joy in what I hope to be many accomplishments through the beat of my jumping, prancing feet in the earth. But as I was saying, the morning you left was so surreal, I woke up at about 5:30 on a Friday morning (I don’t even have class on Friday) and I couldn’t bring myself to go back to sleep, it wasn’t for another four hours did I find out, I saw on facebook the many statuses that remarked on the awe you had bestowed in all of us, and I knew you were gone, I called the high school and it was confirmed, of coarse I cried, we are talking about me here, but I didn’t cry that hard or that much. It was like someone, you of course, was reassuring me that I hadn’t lost you. I took it upon myself to inform all those who were in our A.P. class that I still kept in touch with. It was Andy who made my day a little easier, we discussed future plans for what they would eventually call your celebration of life ceremony, and how we didn’t care if we had to skip class if it happened to fall on a weekday, it was for you and you were the world to us. It was then I started to giggle through my tears, “Andy you do realize what she would say to that don’t you” Andy just snorted though his own tears, I said to him “ she would say, guys look really I am so honored that you care about me this much, but I have never nor will I ever be an excuse to miss a class, did you people learn anything form me, or did I completely fail as an educator?”
No you didn’t fail us as an educator, in fact there will never be an educator in my lifetime that will even begin to compare to the impact you had on the on my life or on the life of others. I love you more than you could ever know and I couldn’t be more grateful to you for helping me find my waiting mountain and for helping me on my way.
Your ever loyal student, and friend,
Merida J. Teot
It is weird to think that it was only a few days ago I was sitting in front of my closet in Greeley deciding what to where. As I pondered and pondered and tried on outfit after outfit I thought to myself, “Does she ever go through this in the morning? Does she spend unneeded time deciding what to where for that day?” I began to ponder some more on what maybe you would wear for Saturdays event, would it be bright and fun, would it be black and somber, or would it be some elaborate pattern with a funky hat?
After spending several hours and countless outfit options in front of my closet I finally settle on my lined dress pants, a turquoise long sleeve shirt, and a brown corduroy blazer. The outfit made me look sophisticated, like I belonged in front of a classroom, man you would have been proud. Not that what you wear has ever really mattered to you, you are the type to see education, educating, family, and work as the more important aspects of your day.
Well did you want to hear more about Saturday? I feel like writing you two whole paragraphs on what to wear would make you want to smack me upside the head and tell me to focus, oh I forgot to tell you, (going back to what I was wearing) even though I had chosen the perfect outfit it was my mother calling my dance solo outfit “inappropriate” that I decided to change, and the 2+ hours I worked on picking out that first outfit had completely been negated. I had finally settled (an hour before the ceremony) on that same turquoise top but I added an olive green multi layered gypsy like skirt so I could dance and be presentable without changing.
The drive to the high school was not that long but it was unbelievably nerve racking and awkward. Did you know it’s been two years since I was last there? It’s been three years since I’ve performed in that auditorium. Well being the nervous wreck I was I got there early because I wanted to run through my dance at least once so I could be reassured that the fabulous techies would not let me down. Well after the first run through everyone remarked that I should try the whole dance over without the skirt, well I did and… they liked it better, I’d never thought for one second that my clothing would be such a big deal, I mean Saturday was all about you, you wouldn’t even care what everyone wore, in fact I know you and the fact that this many people came together for you would make you uncomfortable, grateful but very uncomfortable.
Did you know Aubrey wore red? The cutest little red dress I have ever seen, it made her ginger hair shine so beautifully, I don’t know if you ever noticed but she has your eyes, those eyes that sparkle with a wisdom of an old soul and shine with the curiosity of a child. Oh and Dalton looked like such a nice boy in his blue dress shirt and pants, he looks so much like you and Wes. Speaking of Wes, for one I finally met your husband who you talk so much about, and you would just be beaming with pride to see him in a dorky argyle sweater, even though you will never admit it. Has he ever worn anything like that, I mean beside when the two of you got married?
Oh and the stage Denise, they had your directors chair up there, that silly little directors chair, green of coarse, like that horrible ugly velvet green suit you had. You know which one I am talking about, the one you wore when you taught us The Great Gatsby? When you sat in that director’s chair rolling your eyes in disgust when ever daisy would talk? Yeah that green velvet suit. Oh did I mention they had one of your book cases up on the stage too. When I walked over there after my run through the very first thing that of coarse stuck out to me was the book I got you my sophomore year of college, you remember the first year I finally escaped the fake prison that was summit county and went to UNC, (you never told me your parents went here, or that you were born in Greeley, I hope you understand that makes this school even more special to me.) You know which book I am talking about of course, the 1956 printing of some of Emerson’s essays, I remember when I bought that book for you were starting a new round of chemo and I thought that Emerson was the one thing that got me through the tough times of high school and you were the one who taught me that, so why couldn’t I return the favor and help you transcend just a little more and beat this thing. Well that book was on that book shelve on the stage for everyone to see. They even had that round pillow that Andy and I would argue over every time we watched a movie in your class.
The real reason I am writing you is to tell you some things that have happened recently that I know you want to hear, to begin, Saturday was perfect it was everything that all of us who love you very much needed to get through this, there was just one thing missing… you. I know you don’t want me to talk about this cause you want me to be positive and to never morn you, but it is so hard to not morn you. Denise you were supposed to come to my college graduation, you were going to be the first person who ever read my novel before it ever went to any publisher. I know I am being selfish right now, but this also makes me think about Aubrey and Dalton, a girl needs her mother at her wedding and a boy never says he needs his mother but they do. I know this isn’t your fault but I am still so mad at you for leaving us too early. What about all those kids who never had you as a teacher? Or all those former students who still need you, I need you Mrs. Oaks; I don’t know how I am going to spend the rest of my English career and the rest of my life without your guidance. Who will email me to tell me that the paper I wrote on Tom Robbins was ahead of it’s time but I still need to watch out for those run on sentences. And who will tell me I can do it before I go to an audition? Stupid fucking cancer, it is simply not fair that you had to leave us, you had to leave me.
I hope you know how much you mean to me, I know I didn’t talk to you or come see you in those last few months, but I couldn’t do it, I didn’t want to accept that you were going to leave me. It is something I beat myself up everyday for, especially when I heard jerry speak about your last meeting. I am sorry I didn’t come see you, it’s not that I didn’t want to it’s that I was scared, I am still scared how am I ever going to be able to pull myself out of my own self doubt without your engorgement?
Pathetic isn’t it? The one thing you taught me above all, is the one thing I am forgetting, you kept telling me that it wasn’t you that made me better but it was my own self-reliance, I mean I can just see you now, where ever you are yelling “have I taught you nothing?” No you taught me everything and it was your encouragement that made me so much better. For heavens sake I can’t write a paper, read a novel or even go to a dance audition or performance with out thinking “what would she say about this, would she be proud?” yes, of course you were, you Are always proud of me and no matter where you are, heaven, the cosmos, Hogwarts, you will always be there for me.
There is one more thing I wanted to tell you before I finish this letter, don’t worry this wont be the last time I talk to you, I hope you hear me asking my many silly questions through the wind or feel my tears when I am missing you through the stars, or share my joy in what I hope to be many accomplishments through the beat of my jumping, prancing feet in the earth. But as I was saying, the morning you left was so surreal, I woke up at about 5:30 on a Friday morning (I don’t even have class on Friday) and I couldn’t bring myself to go back to sleep, it wasn’t for another four hours did I find out, I saw on facebook the many statuses that remarked on the awe you had bestowed in all of us, and I knew you were gone, I called the high school and it was confirmed, of coarse I cried, we are talking about me here, but I didn’t cry that hard or that much. It was like someone, you of course, was reassuring me that I hadn’t lost you. I took it upon myself to inform all those who were in our A.P. class that I still kept in touch with. It was Andy who made my day a little easier, we discussed future plans for what they would eventually call your celebration of life ceremony, and how we didn’t care if we had to skip class if it happened to fall on a weekday, it was for you and you were the world to us. It was then I started to giggle through my tears, “Andy you do realize what she would say to that don’t you” Andy just snorted though his own tears, I said to him “ she would say, guys look really I am so honored that you care about me this much, but I have never nor will I ever be an excuse to miss a class, did you people learn anything form me, or did I completely fail as an educator?”
No you didn’t fail us as an educator, in fact there will never be an educator in my lifetime that will even begin to compare to the impact you had on the on my life or on the life of others. I love you more than you could ever know and I couldn’t be more grateful to you for helping me find my waiting mountain and for helping me on my way.
Your ever loyal student, and friend,
Merida J. Teot
Friday, September 18, 2009
A Sense of Writing papers
So as those who are close to me may know, I'm an English Liberal Arts major at UNC( the cool one in Colorado, not the other one in North Carolina) where i am taking several English classes, one of them is English 303 "the essay" i will be posting the essays I write for that class on this blog, just give me a holler at what you think when they get posted. first off was the sense of place, which my class didn't exactly take in with open arms, the second is what i am currently working on, A Sense of People, which i feel will be a bit more personal and a little more effective than my last one... we will see.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
i can't belive it...
This is almost as bad as the time I decided I would finally pick up Twighlight, (gramaticlly incorrect but not my fault if they don't have an underline option) i feel like a large hypocrite, but the closer i get to graduation and to moving out to L.A. i am beginning to realize something... i need a blog... uggg. I want to choreograph, i want people to know me, I want to be a published. this sounds bad but in a city like Greeley, CO you don't need to do much to get far in life, just have a farm and a few cows. But when on wants to move to a city like Los Angelos, i don't think just a Facebook page is going to suffice. so Here it is the beginning of what should be a small part of my legacy... my Blog
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